Back Off The Bump Please

The following is an excerpt from my recent book I’m working on…I hope you enjoy the humor






Sometimes I get the feeling that my new pregnant body must look like a genie’s lamp because I have never had so many people try to rub me in my life.  I really don’t  get the obsession of rubbing the belly.  I even had to think to myself if I ever had the urge to reach out and touch one of my girlfriends pregnant bellies and rub it…NO never had that urge.

Perhaps they are fascinated with how round I have become, or perhaps it’s like one of those stress rocks as they rub on me they fell better.  I don’t really know all I know is I don’t like it.  And the funny thing is you see this hand coming at you and it’s almost like slow motion in my eyes, only it’s not.  Before I have time to say, “no thank you” there is the hand rubbing on my belly…..oh brother!


I wonder if this is some weird ritual that started centuries ago where women said,  “This is what we’ll do, lets rub her belly  it will bring good luck.”    Who knows I can’t figure it all out.  All I know is every time I’m around my friends they start making cooing noises, then they rub and talk to my belly.


I want to tell them,  “My baby doesn’t have ears yet!” or  “Listen, I don’t want my kid to hear 100 different voices yet…just mine.”  Or , “Hey can you stop rubbing me please you’re wearing the flesh off my body I only have so much to go around.”  But it seems hopeless so most times I just grin and bear it.


But the next time you see a pregnant friend don’t just reach out and start rubbing…just fight the urge.


Maybe we can start a belly’s anonomous group.  “ Hi my name is Mary and I’m  a belly rubbing addict”  Hi Mary.


Who knows maybe I will start a trend.





Unless you are sure that a magic Jeanie will come out of your girlfriends belly and grant you your lifetime wish of a cabana boy, a cool tea, some grapes and a fan, please  back off the bump.


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February 2011
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